My Experience With Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness

Hotline 1.800.799.7233

TTY 1.800.787.3224

*Trigger Warning*

The intentions of sharing my story is to encourage others to not be afraid and to speak up about their experiences as well. You are not alone. It is never too late or too early to speak up or to spread awareness.

It was my first semester in college. I went in with a mindset focusing only on myself, making new friends, and joining as many clubs as I could. It seems as if I accomplished everything I wanted to. Except, I found myself inside a relationship. Being in a relationship in college, especially during my freshman year was the last thing on my mind. I came to get my degree(s), not a temporary boyfriend. Nonetheless, I knew I could manage everything so it wasn’t a big deal to me.

We first came across each other’s paths during orientation week. And then we officially met at a party. I loved how voluminous his afro looked. So I started off by complimenting him. And eventually, I overcame my shyness and asked for his number so that we could be friends. Yet, little did I know, I would regret it later.

Our friendship started when he asked me to braid his hair. I was naive to the fact that a lot of guys use asking a girl to braid or twist their hair was just an excuse to get them in bed. It was probably going to lead to that until I told him that I did not feel comfortable. He understood. In my head, I’m thinking, “Oh he must be different since he actually listened to me and did not force me.”

He eventually asked me out and at the time, I was ecstatic. A week or two later and the good vibes started to change. He had a bad habit of aggressively grabbing my wrists and sometimes even twisting it. I told him how much it hurt me and he apologized. Except, he would continue to do it. I realized that this was physical abuse.

One time, he was in my room helping me fold my clothes. I completely forgot that my roommate went to go shower and when she came back, she was standing in her robe, waiting for him to leave. I was stuck in my wardrobe but then I felt her staring. I looked back and realized that she had to get dressed. We both spun around toward him and stared. He asked, “what, do you want me to get out?” I responded, “duh,” because why wouldn’t you leave? That's common sense but he did not see it that way. Instead, he sucked his teeth and pushed me into my wardrobe on the way out. My roommate was mad at me for still being with him and mad at him for being abusive.

Not only was he physically abusive but sexually as well. I told him that I did not want to have sex with him. It seemed like he did not care what I did not want. He was pressuring me almost every single day. I was not comfortable enough to tell him my reasonings but I gave in. I started crying during this situation and ended up having an anxiety attack. He was angry after I told him that I was raped not too long ago. I also did not want have sex with him considering that we just met but maybe in two months. He found this to be really long of a wait which led to the above situation.

There was also emotional abuse as well. There was a time where he made a cutting joke. I asked him where his birthmark was because I was genuinely curious. And the reasoning for that is because I do not know where mine is. I have a lot of scars on my body because I was clumsy when I was younger. But before I could explain where they came from, he asked, “from cutting?” and then laughed afterwards. I did not find this funny at all considering that I was depressed during my preteen and teen years. I have really bad anxiety to the point where I lose myself and I have thoughts. I also had friends confess to me that they were cutting as well. And it made me feel so horrible inside that I could not help them but I am glad that they are still here.

This led me to walk out. He chased after me and apologized. At first I thought it was cute because I never had a guy do that after making me upset. Either they would play victim or ignore the problem. However, he started to make this a habit. Every time he made me mad, I would walk away so that we could both cool off for a few and not say regrettable things in anger. Instead, he did want to give me time alone, he proceeded to chase after me. It started to make me very uncomfortable. While I was venting to my resident advisor (RA), she explained to me that his behavior was considered stalking. And that she could report him if he continues especially since he lived a floor below me.

I also attempted to set boundaries because we spent every single day together. And I do feel like it was my fault since I always asked him to go dinner with me and we would just spend time together in his room. This is mostly because I did not want to be in my own room because my roommate made me uneasy most of the time. And she used to talk my head off while I was doing homework which distracted me. I would even ask him to go hang out with his friends. I found it was unfair for him to just dump them all because he was in a relationship.

Speaking of friends, he did not want me to have any guy friends. Meanwhile, he has a group of girl friends. I trusted him enough to go hang out with them. Yet, he did not trust me at all. Many of my old friends knew that this relationship was very wrong for me. One time I was on facetime with one my guy friends from high school and my ex came into my room. He immediately saw that I was talking to a guy and he wrapped his arm around me. He also started to choke me. My friend pointed out that he looked like he was trying to gain dominance over the situation and show who’s in control. It was as if he was trying to tell my friend that he owned me.

There was a time where he tried to stop me from auditioning for a dance team at my school. This was due to his insecurities and trust issues because there were men on the team. He did want me to dance with any guys. However, many unavailable professional dancers do it all the time. It is strictly dancing but he did not understand.

He also did not like the fact that I would dance randomly. And told me, “I do not like dating girls who dance.” He knew I danced before dating me so this really confused me. I am not going to stop doing something that I love all because of a guy.

Especially a guy who does not really like Black women. I know so many guys have preferences for women and they usually turn to race. Now, I do not mind people preferring another race. It is what you say about your own and others. He said he wanted to marry a Latina woman all because of their hair. He also explained how he would want to have kids with a Latina or Asian woman because of their hair as well. When I asked him what about Black women and if they had “good” hair, he ignored the question. It was odd to me because hello, you’re dating a Black woman. He failed to understand that good hair is healthy hair, not hair types. This is one thing that turned me completely off. And to take the cake, he was very cocky and obsessed with his hair. When I say obsessed, I mean he even had a plague for his “Best Hair,” superlative from high school on his dorm wall by his bed. He even took being called cocky and shallow as a compliment.

He also used to comment a lot on my body. He would always point out how skinny I was even though he's skinnier than me. In addition, he did not like the fact that I do not shave my legs. There's really no need for me to, I am comfortable with hair. Maybe as I get older, I will wax my legs. But I will never allow anyone to make me feel like I have to shave my legs just to appeal to society's gender roles.

I tried to break up with him twice. But instead, I stayed because every time I would tell him that it’s not working out, he looked like he was about to cry. He would beg me to stay with him and promised that he would do better each time. Did he? No. I knew it was manipulation but sadly, I am the type of person that puts other peoples’ happiness in front of my own. I knew staying with him would make him happy. In reality, it was only giving him more control and making me more miserable. It got so bad to the point where a few members on my dance team, my former group of friends, RA, and roommate said that they would even break up with him for me. I was also given a deadline to break up with him because they saw how emotionally draining it was to be with him. I told him that I did not have any feelings for him and that they will not come back. Instead of just accepting it and allowing me to break up with him, he said, “I know but I am trying to get them back. I’ll do better.”

I was finally able to break free after I confessed to him that I cheated on him. This was true and even then, he still tried to stay. I told him that he should not take me back because I cheated on him which is horrible. At this time, the tables were turned. I was the one now begging. Except, I wasn’t begging to stay with him. I was begging for him to let me go. I did not mind him telling people because it was the truth. But he was only telling my wrongdoing and not his. That’s where I had a problem. If you are going to tell a story, tell the full story. Not just the parts that make someone else look bad while you look good. He manipulated the story to his own liking and I felt like the group of friends that he had, were giving me death stares due a one-sided story.

We decided to stay friends until things started to become absurd. He kept trying to make me feel bad by saying, “You did this to me. I’m going to turn into a f-boy now. And I’m just going to break more girls’ hearts because of you.” Only he wasn’t realizing that he was still the root of the problem. He even admitted to being abusive which I was able to get proof of on a recording. He explained it was because of his last relationship which made him have really bad trust issues. He also threatened to injure or possibly kill the guy that I cheated on him with. But then he realized that he would go to jail so he took it back. He also refused to delete pictures of me on his phone. They were appropriate photos but I just did not want him to have them. I kindly asked him to delete the photos and he said that he wanted to keep them. So I had to devise a plan to get his phone and delete them myself which I was successful with doing.

Since things got too weird, we gave each other space. One day he decided to text me and asked to talk. I agreed and I spent the night over his dorm. The next evening (because that’s when I woke up) we started talking. And I jokingly said, “Let’s have sex,” only to see if he still had feelings for me because the last time we tried to be friends while he still liked me, it didn’t work out. And he quickly responded with a “sure.” I explained to him that I was only joking and that I didn't mean it. I do not care if someone changes their mind in the middle of having sex, if someone says no, you should listen. He did not. I am not sure if I provoked him and made him angry, either way, there is no excuse. In the end, I was sexually assaulted. He ejaculated on me even after I told him no. And he tried to make me get on top of him which I refused. And he fingered me while I laid there lifeless. I remember him saying, “Stop playing, you know my fingers are valid,” after I kept swatting his hand away. I was completely frozen in this situation until I was finally able to get myself together. He got mad because I refused and told me that he was leaving his own room.

I explained what happened to a couple of people. They told me to go to the campus police. I did not want to do that because again, I sympathize with my abuser and want to protect them for some reason. Before going I asked him, “You fingered me after I told you no. Do you realize that what you did was rape?” He shrugged his shoulders in a “I don’t care” way and said “okay.”

This was my breaking point. I was grateful enough for my vice president on my dance team to come with me to the police station. And also grateful for others who lent out a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk into. I was able to get a rape kit test done which showed that there was a scratch due to the assault.

I was hoping that he would at least be suspended but come second semester, he was walking around as if nothing happened. I had to file a no-contact order just in case he decided to contact me even though he was blocked. With a non-contact order, you both cannot contact each other or use other people to send messages. I was getting mini anxiety attacks every time I saw him, luckily I was able to calm myself down. I was also able to go to the counseling center at my school which really helped me. Especially since my second to oldest dog was dying around this time as well. My mental health was completely unhealthy and my mind shut down before I was able to go see a therapist. I felt defeated, damaged, and purposeless. Seeing that it is now my Sophomore year during COVID season so I do not leave my dorm unless I have to and that I will be transferring after next semester, I feel a lot safer. And besides being stressed about financial problems and school, I am doing a lot better mentally.

For the longest time, I did not know that I was in a domestic violence relationship. I knew he was abusive but I did not think it was that serious since I did not have any presentable scars. After doing some research, I learned that I was in one. For more information visit, https://www.thehotline.org/

Just always remember that you are never alone. Sometimes talking to acquaintances or internet strangers is a lot more healing than talking to your “friends.” Or at least for me it was. If you ever need someone to talk to, send me an email or a DM.